April 27th, 2004

There has been a lot of talk revolving around conspiracy theories the last few days. Conspiracies involving the government and 9/11, conspiracies about new babies, conspiracies about the sky being blue. Well, I have recently discovered another conspiracy as a father, perhaps not quite as globally relevant, but a conspiracy none the less. This conspiracy involves a secret partnership, much like the rumored bond between big oil conglomerates and car companies. This relationship however is at a more personal and tauntingly conspicuous level – especially for guys like me, recently indoctrinated into the world of fatherhood. It involves baby clothes and whatever corporations out there that are involved in snap production.

Baby clothes utilize incredibly miniscule amounts of fabric to create cute little outfits for newborn babies to wear. Conversely however, these tiny fragments of clothing are loaded with snaps – more snaps per square unit of clothing than any other garment on the market – several times over. If adults wore clothes with a similar ratio of snaps to fabric, gravity would render us unable to take more than a few arduous steps. What makes this overuse of snaps more frustrating is the fact that these snaps are so diminutive that they take large daddy fingers painstaking minutes to close each individual snap – more often than not while a writhing infant kicks and fusses over the new layer of clothing being strapped onto their gentle frame. After wasting what seems like hours of my life struggling with endless lines of snaps I have concluded that a secret pact must exist between these two entities – the baby clothing industry and the snap manufacturers. There is simply no other way to explain this gratuitous usage of snaps. I imagine that there must be mob connections involved or something of the like – and this mob must definitely be comprised of either women with dainty fingers, or childless men, either way they obviously stand unsympathetic to the plight of the new father.

April 26th, 2004

Well I did it - I managed to survive my first full day alone with Landon. Rhiannon ventured back to the work force today, so to ease her transition from stay-at-home-mom back to go-to-work-mom, I took the day off to take care of our son. I am happy to report that I am still alive, and relatively unscathed.

Last week on Thursday and Friday I worked out on Catalina Island, and so spent the first night away from my new family. It was harder than I expected, and I missed them quite a bit, but luckily we worked hard, and fished even harder (I caught my first two white seabass 23 and 27lbs respectively!) and that made the night alone on my coworker’s floor go by a little faster. When I returned in the middle of the night Friday I was wiped out and so spent most of Saturday recovering.

Sunday, Landon was pretty much a train wreck all day. I’m not sure if it was the incredibly unseasonably warm weather, or just some newborn growing pains, but he was an ornery little devil all day long. The number one thought racing through my head was, “How will I survive tomorrow if he acts even half as crabby?” I tried to get as much sleep last night in preparation for today, the key word being ‘tried’ since I didn’t sleep that well and instead woke up tired.

Today though, Landon was a blessing. We woke up around 7:30; I gave the kid a bath which he continues to enjoy more than just about everything. It cracks me up every time he shoots a little golden fountain straight up into the tub. We then hung out on his changing table where he got ready for the day. After a bath, Landon is all smiles on the table, giggling and grinning as Dad fumbles his way through diapers and onesies and little tiny socks. We then took Dakota out for some fetch and settled down for a mid morning nap. Rhiannon called shortly thereafter pleading to see if we could make a brief appearance at her school during her break. Of course we were happy to oblige. Afterwards we returned home for more napping, and another bottle full of milk. We spent the afternoon outside on a blanket, staring up at the wind controlled pattern of leaves that danced on limbs above us. More giggles also were heard. We then took a long walk with Dakota around the lake; I think I came dangerously close to overheating Landon once again. Upon our return I stripped him down to a diaper and cranked on the air conditioner, and we played around on the couch with a little soccer ball/rattle. Before we realized it, the back gate opened and in popped Rhiannon beaming with anticipation to hold her son.

It was actually quite enjoyable spending the day with Landon. He is quickly developing a personality, and growing as an individual, which is so rewarding to observe and participate in.

Being a father seems to suck time away at every angle, as can be exemplified by the decreasing frequency of my posts. This post was initially started on Sunday night, but required close to 48 more hours to complete. Perhaps my slow typing is partially to blame.

April 18th, 2004

Ugh, I got pretty sick this past week. Wednesday night I noticed that after a long day at work that culminated in the final release of a large group of fish involved in a year long research project, I had a fairly decent scratch in the back of my throat. That night I tossed and turned excessively, each waking moment spent realizing that the scratch was slowing growing stronger and more painful. I went to work the next morning, and trudged through a miserable day that saw a steady decline in my health and spirits. By early afternoon I surrendered to the pain and headed for home. I struggled to move my head to scan for cars in the other freeway lanes, my head hurt terribly; any movement resulted in a throbbing that matched well the aches and chills that sprinted up and down my frame. And forget about my throat, it had long since failed to operate. I arrived home, had some udon noodles and went to bed with a fever of 102ºF. For obvious reasons I was not allowed to get near Landon, this hurt worse than all of my physical symptoms combined.

Friday morning brought more of the same, so I took the day of work and suffered on the couch downstairs. Rhiannon calls me a wimp when I get sick, and to some extent she’s probably right, I pride myself on not getting sick often, but when I do its often difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Friday will be remembered as another lousy day of no contact with my son.

The number one thought and concern I had trumpeting again and again across my sick skull concerned Landon getting sick. Not only would I feel absolutely terrible if I was responsible for Landon’s first infection, but I also began to dwell on what it must feel like to be ill for the very first time. As I lay there, achy and uncomfortable, I at least could blame the virus or bacteria that were ravaging my insides, all the while my immune system extending a strong defensive counter-assault to quell the invading pathogens. For Landon or any baby for that matter, experiencing sickness initially must be incredibly vexing. One morning the sun rises as always and warm milk and smiles fill your day, the next morning the sun rises and new feelings of soreness and chills and fever take over. The change must be so blaringly unavoidable, and at the same time so unexplainable. I can’t imagine the confounding frustration. I hope Landon never gets sick.

By Saturday morning I started to feel myself again, definitely enough to venture out as a family with Rhiannon and Landon. We planned to head to the swap meet, but rain clouds threatened, so instead we headed to a nearby mall – an outdoor mall, and sure enough, we weren’t there more than 10 minute and the rain began to fall. We were completely unprepared, underdressed, and yet somehow undeterred, so we plowed ahead with our mission to spend some time outside. The intelligence of this decision obviously comes into question considering that I was still recovering, and Landon is only a fresh eight weeks of age, but we had fun, and survived, and Landon felt his first few raindrops which was particularly awesome.

Saturday also represented Landon’s two month birthday, it seems like he’s been here forever. I honestly struggle to remember what my life was like before him. He’s still expanding at an incredible rate, and has finally begun to identify toys and follow them as they move across his field of vision. His smiles have increased and he has begun to laugh. He often reflects smiles that are directed toward him, like the world’s most precious mirror, every smile distributed returns with a wonderfully pure upgrade. Landon seems more and more to recognize his parent’s faces.

Monday morning required Landon to visit the doctor for his 2 month check up. I am happy to report that all is well with our son. He now weighs in at 13 pounds 2 ounces and is over 24 inches in length. He still falls in the 90th percentile for both of these statistics although he has dropped of the curve a little since his last doctor’s visit. Rhiannon and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that Landon will no longer be the number one draft pick in the NFL or NBA, his father has instead begun to eye the possibilities of fly fisherman stardom. Landon also received four vaccination shots which turned his face a frightening shade of red and filled the examination room with wails. He has rebounded well, and hopefully has already pushed the event to the deep recesses of his infantile memory.

I watched a crow consume a baby sparrow today while the young bird’s parents valiantly protested and swooped in protest toward the cloaked invader. It forced me to realize how vicious of a world we all live, and how far removed we are as a species from the life and death struggles that so definitely shaped our archetypal consciousness. It’s comforting to be able to lock the front door at night, pat the dog on the head, and fall to sleep in relative peace listening to the light snores emanating from your newborn son.

April 7th, 2004

Today I took a quick spin down good ol’ memory lane. After work, a coworker (Big Wave Dave) and I fought south bound through traffic to get to the reefs of La Jolla. We were going to attend a punk show featuring NOFX and Alkaline Trio at UCSD later that evening, and so decided that a pre-show dip in the surf was called for. The problem was, as it often is - you can’t always coordinate plans with nature, and the surf gods left us staring bleakly at chopped up, wind blown waves. We drove around for over an hour but never paddled out.

The show that night was fun, although the sound inside RIMAC was offensive. The whole evening was touted as a political gathering to “Rock Against Bush”. The bands were great, the political rhetoric a little over the top, and the crowd was somewhat disinterested, but we still had a great time.

The day in general was fairly introspective; it brought back so many memories of my youth. As a kid my parents would always take us to La Jolla to go tide pooling, or fishing, or to just play in the waves. The entire area would always invoke such a sense of awe and wonderment in me then and many of these same feelings still survive today. I do strongly believe that all of these childhood excursions had a large impact on the career path I have followed, and the recreational activities I pursue today.

Being at UCSD again and driving around checking for surf ran me back through my college days as well. My last two years of college were some of the most memorable and eventful years of my life. I grew close to friends that have influenced me, and made me laugh for years following, and hopefully for many years to come. I also met my lovely wife during these years, which has brought a level of sanity and much needed balance to my life.

Basically all of these thoughts and memories came crashing down on me as I pulsed along with the rhythmic punk beats reverberating against the RIMAC gymnasium walls. Without realizing it I have grown up and yet feel like I have so much more growing up to do. I have a son, and a wife, and a shabby career. I have friends and people that count on me for love and support, just as I count on them. And did I mention that I have a son. I want the world for him, as I’m sure that all fathers do. It’s frightening and exciting and incredible to think of the impact I will have on his life – I hope it’s a positive one – I can’t explain how much I care for him. The entire night, whether I was at dinner, or the beach, or the show, the one continuous thought that I couldn’t get out of my head was Landon.

April 11th, 2004

Happy first Easter Landon! We celebrated Easter today by visiting some family, having an early supper with Rhiannon’s parents, and then watching the Padres debut in their new ballpark on national TV by blowing a three run lead in the seventh inning.

Celebrating Easter has become decidedly different that when I was younger, principally by the fact that we didn’t go to mass today. The religious prevalence of this holiday is absent, instead replaced by pastel colored eggs and a rabbit that has a propensity for hiding them. I don’t want to use this time to get deep into the cavernous space that separates Rhiannon and my different views on religion, but suffice it to say, that we don’t necessarily see eye to eye. I completely respect her beliefs, and I hope that in turn she respects mine, but the little guy that gets lost in the middle is Landon. I think Rhiannon and I have been tiptoeing around the issue for awhile now, but sooner rather than later we will need to discuss the extent religion will be present in our son’s life.

As I said earlier, I guess we’re growing up without even realizing it.

April 4th, 2004

I found a new lucky rabbit’s foot – his name is Landon Wyatt. Since Landon has been conceived I have placed second in Iwan’s season long NFL pool ($250), and this weekend I won Nate’s NCAA march madness bracket ($180) and the NCAA pool at Hubbs-Sea World as well ($40). Prior to Landon’s arrival I had entered several similar pools; my net winnings from these investments tallied in at a whopping zero dollars. So taking into account this incredible shift in gambling success, Rhiannon and I have decided to pull up our roots and move to Las Vegas – we will miss all of you (if only it was that easy).

I saw Landon smile for the first time today. This was the real, genuine article; not gas induced, not an introduction to a bout of tears, but a real, happy faced, melt your heart smile that only a baby can generate. It was awesome. I will never forget it. I had to work today, even though it was Sunday, and Rhiannon wanted to sneak out to run a quick errand or two before I left her with our son. While she was out I gave the little guy a bath, which he always seems to enjoy, and afterward, while he lay on his changing table staring up at me, or at the ceiling, I can never quite be sure, his entire face lit up like candle, as a smile spread from cheek to chubby cheek. He held the smile for several seconds; it seemed like so much longer. I know it sounds cliché, but he truly looked angelic. I hope that he was smiling at me, and not the ceiling above me – I’m pretty sure he was.

As I mentioned, Landon enjoys bath time tremendously. No matter what kind of a mood he might be in the middle of, once the warm water envelopes his little toes he slips into a relaxed state. He opens his mouth to try to catch drops of water, and rolls his head back and forth in the bath. I derive such pleasure seeing the little guy experience the water. My mind immediately races forward in time to adventures spent teaching Landon to swim, and then to snorkel and dive and bodyboard and surf. Landon hasn’t visited the ocean yet, that day can’t get here soon enough.