February 13th, 2005

Well again I have taken far too long to record all of the events that have taken place in Landon’s development over the past few weeks, but this time for once I have at least a moderately decent excuse. This past week Rhiannon, Landon and I have successfully submitted an offer on a house, and barring any problems with escrow in the upcoming weeks, our family will have a home to call their own. At this point I’m not sure if I’m more excited or terrified; chances are the latter takes a little more prominence in my thoughts right now. We are spreading ourselves thinner than I feel comfortable with financially and the last week has been filled with many sleepless nights were the popcorn ceiling above and my unblinking, tired eyes below, question my sanity regarding this whole decision. The house itself is new and needs little renovation upon moving in, but it lacks a real front yard and the backyard is smushed between surrounding homes. There are plenty of young families in the neighborhood, a good school district, and a secure atmosphere that all fall on the plus side of the board. Most importantly though, our family will have a home to call their own instead of renting space and wasting time in a cave buried somewhere in Irvine. The new place is located in Rancho Santa Margarita, up against the Santa Ana Mountains, with a decent view of the suburban sprawl of Orange County below. I’ve tried to talk myself out of the place several times, but I can’t, and that, more than anything gives me confidence that this is the right step towards building a family home.

Landon has yet to take his first unassisted steps, although he is now a confident pilot of his walkers, racing them back and forth across the carpet and the drive out back. He has learned to wave, and he eagerly gives out high and low fives, although the high variety seem to be his favorite as he aggressively slaps hands and smiles proudly after establishing contact. His grin is now filled with four and a half teeth with a sixth fang desperately close to breaking the surface. We have begun to replace the formula in his bottles with milk, and his diet of solid foods increases daily.

A few weeks back Landon and I had the entire day to ourselves; as Rhiannon took a much needed escape to a spa in La Jolla. The first official father-son day was filled with a few long walks to the lake, some racing around the circle in Landon’s little red car, a lunch visit with my parents at the San Clemente pier which included a close encounter with a brown pelican, and the day ended with a dinner that just the two of us shared at Goro, the local sushi restaurant. We were both exhausted by seven o’clock. It definitely made me appreciate the hard work Rhiannon devotes to our son when I’m not around, it also made me a little jealous of that time as well.

A year ago tonight I restlessly rolled on my pillow, wishing for a few peaceful minutes of sleep. Landon was due to be born on Valentine’s Day 2004, and that night could have been the last night before I became a father, a torch that I was quickly realizing then I would carry for the rest of my life. Landon came a few days later, but I can still clearly remember contemplating that dreamless night, how my life would change after I held my son. I tried to reason it through then, but pathetically now I realize that I had no idea what lay ahead. Perspectives and priorities have changed, new loves developed, old wants have faded. The river rushing around my feet is still crisp and clean and cold; now I just have a new shadow along side me in the stream, a little hand to hold, and a pair of feet that I have to introduce to the water, one drop at a time.