On February 17th, 2004 I became a father for the first time. In the following journal I will attempt to describe some of the feelings and experiences I encounter during this new float called fatherhood. The first few posts may be a little long winded, but its been a long week. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

*********************************************************************

February 17th, 2004

Rhiannon and I were scheduled to check in at the hospital at 5:45am for her induction, that didn't leave a lot of time for sleeping the night before, but as it turned out we didn't get much sleep anyway. Nerves and anticipation kept us awake more than anything. I think that Rhiannon being induced made things more uncomfortably nerve wracking than they needed to be. Over the last day or so anyway, patience was hard to come by, this probably had something to do with the fact that throughout the last 9 months you have a rough due date on when your little bundle of joy is coming, but nothing is set in stone, there is no official deadline. Maybe its too many over-dramatized TV and movie representations of what going into labor is supposed to be like, but I was prepared to be caught off guard and be swept up in a mad tornado dash to the hospital; not to spend the night prior to going to the hospital staring awake at the ceiling, knowing that if all went well, by this time tomorrow I would be a father. That anticipation seemed to be far worse than the tornado - too many slow minutes spent thinking, "am I really ready to be a father?"

We got to the hospital on time and checked into our delivery room, we were a little bummed to be placed in one of the older rooms at St. Joseph's, most of this wing of the hospital had been remodeled, just not our room, but plenty of happy babies had already been delivered in this room, so we figured it was as good as any. Our first nurse was Connie. Connie was a Filipino woman with a heavy accent and not enough sleep the night before. She was working the 7pm to 7am shift, so we caught her with just under an hour left in her shift. She was difficult to have a conversation with, and kept asking us to repeat things again and again. We were relieved when her shift ended an hour later. Before she left, Connie attached an I.V. to Rhiannon, and began her induction. The induction involved the slow administration of a drug called Pitosin. Pitosin is a chemical analog for the hormone Oxytocin which naturally starts labor in women. The drawback to induction is that Pitosin brings on contractions much quicker and more intense than in natural labor, so we were both a little apprehensive (Rhiannon more than me) about what this was going to be like.

Rhiannon was pretty nervous at this time anyway, I think the eminent prospect of labor, and the unknown quantity that it comprised was becoming very real for her at this point. I found it very interesting that during Rhiannon's pregnancy, she again and again had complete strangers approach her, and then quickly share their personal horror stories involving labor. "My labor was 40 hours long, my cousin had her baby in the hospital elevator, I tore from hole to hole, etc". No stranger approached with stories of how easy labor was, although I'm sure these events do exist. All of this didn't help Rhiannon's nerves when the big day finally did arrive. Luckily she does have several friends at her school that have recently had children, so they were able to counteract some of this pre labor negativity with positive stories of their own.

Rhiannon was scheduled to be induced only 3 days after her due date because she was measuring excessively large for her stage of pregnancy. The doctor couldn't rule out that this was due to excess amniotic fluid, but the possibility that she could be growing some sort of monster in her belly caused the scheduling of this early induction (women are routinely induced 10 - 14 days after their due date). Basically the concern was that if the baby got much bigger, Rhiannon wouldn't be able to pass the infant naturally and would require a C-section. As we would find out later, it was a good thing the doctor acted when he did.

At 7am our new nurse Marsha arrived. Marsha was wonderful, and honestly I couldn't imagine a better nurse for the two (three) of us. She was an older nurse, but she had a very young spirit. She seemed to be full of experience, she had a great sense of humor with plenty of sarcasm, and more than anything else, she seemed to possess a genuine care for her patients. Her enthusiasm was contagious, and set both of us at ease. Marsha was a bit flighty at times; she would often ask us what she had just said, or what she had come into the room to do, but if anything this made me feel a little more valuable during the day, reminding her what Rhiannon's temperature was, or that she had come into the room to change the I.V. bag. Perhaps all of this was just a bedside trick of Marsha's to relax fathers to be, whether it was or not, it certainly worked for me.

After being checked in, and the induction process started, basically we began playing the waiting game. Rhiannon wore a monitor that recorded the baby's heartbeat, as well as a monitor that charted her contractions. Every hour the amount of Pitosin delivered was increased, with the goal of getting her contractions to becoming stronger and more frequent. I should mention at this point, that for the past several weeks Rhiannon had been experiencing mild contractions regularly throughout the day - so when Marsha came in check on Rhiannon and mentioned that she was, "really banging out the contractions," Rhiannon's response was that her contractions and pain were no different now than they had been for the past few weeks. At this point Rhiannon was having mild contractions every 2 minutes, and was dilated 2cm.

Sometime between 8:30am and 9:00am both of our parents, and Andrea, Rhiannon's sister showed up. They entered the delivery room unannounced, which was a little disconcerting since we had asked them to wait and be invited in, but luckily Rhiannon was dressed and comfortable at the time. I could sympathize with their excitement, and curiosity, and we were both glad to see their smiling supportive faces. This after all was not only our first child, but also a first grandchild as well. Both of out mothers had faces wet with tears. After some warm hugs and words of encouragement I escorted the family to the waiting room, where they awaited updates (sometimes patiently) throughout the day.

Our doctor, Dr. Randy Fiorentino, arrived sometime in the next hour to check on Rhiannon, and to break her water. Dr. Fiorentino is a great doctor, he is young, humorous, and has two young kids of his own. He is also a big man at probably close to 6' 4" and 200 some pounds. He checked Rhiannon's progress, at this stage she was now between 3 and 4cm dilated. To break her water, the doctor inserted a long plastic hook into Rhiannon that would rupture her amniotic fluid. Up to this point, this was definitely the most pain that Rhiannon has experienced. I sat on the side lines, holding her clenched hand and watching the grimaces ebb and flow across her face. The water itself literally sounded like a bucket of water being dumped down the end of the bed. I'll admit, I wanted to make a trout stream joke, I wisely decided that now was not he time.

Once her water was broken, the progress of labor accelerated very quickly; and with it came more intense and frequent contractions. This was the stuff you see on TV, contractions so painful that sitting, standing, breathing, even blinking becomes painful. It was also the first time I felt really integral in this whole process, sure I did some menial things previously, but at this stage of labor I felt like Rhiannon actually needed me their to help her through each contraction. She practiced what little breathing techniques we came away with from our birthing class, she chewed up a million ice chips, and she watched the door longingly, every time it opened, hoping that the anesthesiologist would be the next one through the door. I should probably also mention the fact that the woman in the delivery room next to us was experiencing uncontrollable and explosive diarrhea throughout her labor, this kept Marsha fairly occupied, but it also gave me the chance to point out to Rhiannon that things could be worse. The anesthesiologist did eventually come, about an hour and a half after her water was broken. He too was excellent, he cracked a few quick jokes, and before we knew it Rhiannon was well on her way to a medicated bliss. The epidural itself is simply a large needle that is inserted into the outer sheath of the spinal column, and slowly releases an anesthetic that keeps her body numb from the chest south to her feet.

Within about 20 minutes Rhiannon could hardly feel the contractions at all, and we decided that this would be a good time for the family to come in and visit one last time. It was now around noon, although the day already seemed about 3 times as long. I went to get the family in the waiting room and to catch them up to speed on what had happened in the last few hours. They listened intently to every word I had to say, I can think of few such attentive audiences I have ever had regardless of the topic of conversation. By now Rhiannon's Grandparents Alonzo were also on hand, her abuela became extremely upset as I described what Rhiannon had been through so far, and walked out of the waiting room crying, she felt she was unable to go see Rhiannon in this condition. The rest of the family flocked back to the delivery room and assailed Rhiannon with questions about her condition and her experiences so far. I snuck out, with both of our mothers, and hauled down to the cafeteria to get song long awaited sustenance. I don't know how pregnant women do it, going through this entire labor process without food or water save for a few lousy ice chips, it was barely past noon and I was starving. I got a cheese burger and fries, and charged back up to the delivery room. I was a little apprehensive about bringing food into a room where someone had been working as hard as Rhiannon had, but being the selfless girl that she is, she said that it didn't bother her at all, and that she was glad I was getting something to eat. It was hands down one of the top ten cheese burgers of my life.

After eating I walked the family back to the waiting room, with the promise that I would keep them informed with any changes as they progressed. Since she was now pretty numb they could increase the amount of Pitosin Rhiannon received, this would move the labor along more rapidly. And it did, within the next two hours Rhiannon zipped from 4 to 8 to 10cm fully dilated; even Marsha was shocked when she did her final assessment and found that Rhiannon was 10cm dilated and fully effaced. Basically this meant it was go time. What was nice about these afternoon hours was that Rhiannon was completely oblivious to any pain. After seeing what she went through after having her water broken, I can't even imagine what those hours would have been like without the epidural. It was now about 3:30pm, and I went to update the family one last time. They mobbed me at the door, expecting me to tell them that our new addition had safely arrived. To say that they were let down by the news that basically I had no news would be an understatement, I explained to them that we were getting close, and vowed not to return until Rhiannon had given birth.

Things proceeded slowly for the next hour; we basically waited while the baby dropped further into the birth canal, this took longer than anticipated. I phoned my Dad to let him know of our progress, I figured he was the least excitable of the bunch, and as I said earlier I had vowed not return to that waiting room without news of a baby. He said that the room went silent and everybody was hanging on his every word, this definitely reaffirmed my decision not to return to that room, I let him pass along the not so eventful update.

Rhiannon officially started pushing around 4:30pm with Marsha and me at either side to help her out. She now lay on her back (something she hadn't done in over nine months), with her legs in stirrups, and her head pinned to her chest. Every contraction she took a deep breath, held it, and pushed, while we held her legs even closer to her chest, and I counted out a ten count. We repeated this three times for every contraction, once in awhile taking a break to rest. By 5:00pm Dr. Fiorentino arrived, and the real show started from there. At this point the baby's head was visible, and the pushing became that much more intense. A few quick thoughts on the whole pushing experience. First off, Rhiannon was anesthetized, and so she described pushing against a mild pressure, but nothing more, all the while pushing as hard as she could against this dull force. Secondly, Rhiannon was basically rolled up into a little ball of pushing energy, and with every push her face had the craziest expression coupled with red and white blotches that exploded across her cheeks. I would jump back and forth between fighting back laughter at the facial comedy she presented, to holding back tears realizing that any moment our baby would be crying in the same room.

The whole birthing process is a tremendous circus when it comes right down to it. There are nurses suddenly appearing out of every door, similar to clowns falling out of a tiny little car, the doctor takes the role of ringmaster, blasting out orders, and highlighting new events "and in this corner - a head!," Rhiannon played the role of some sort of wicked cross between a contortionist and a cannon that would fire out a baby, the human cannon ball. I guess that would place me as some lucky onlooker called out of the stands to participate.

At 5:15pm Landon Wyatt burst onto this planet with a shrill scream, and he landed firmly on Rhiannon's still heaving belly. That was expected, what wasn't expected was his size. Both the doctor and nurse exclaimed "That's a BIG baby!", and they were right, he was. Landon weighed in at a whopping 9 pounds 10 ounces and measured 22 inches in length. As I have already said several times since, that's a good sized trout. I cut his umbilical cord, and it was official, Rhiannon and I had a son. Ten fingers and ten toes were counted, and flash bulbs began to explode, Landon had arrived safely, and I can't remember ever feeling a greater sense of relief. He cried his eyes out through healthy lungs, and I never remember hearing a sweeter sound. I think Rhiannon was in a state of shock, she stared wide eyed at this monster she had just given birth to, the most precious monster she had ever seen.

I stared at Landon for quite awhile, just looking at my son, not really believing that he was actually here, and still listening to his cry sing through my ears. The nurses continued to clean him up, and I realized we had several anxious people waiting for any shred of news in the next room. I stepped out of the door and both of our mothers were there waiting in the hall, as the door closed they caught a whisper of Landon crying, and asked if those were the cries of their new grandson (I don't know what other baby they though might be crying in our delivery room). I never really thought about the importance of a baby's cries before, they had always seemed more of an annoyance than anything else to me previously, but after only minutes of fatherhood I began to look at the real value of these cries. It made me think of various nature shows I'd viewed in the past, where be it an elephant seal pup on a beach, or a penguin chick in a nest - a family identifies and acknowledges its baby's individual cries. And here in a hospital in Orange County this pattern again emerged.

Both mothers were assured that baby and mom were fine, and hugs and tears were exchanged. We all raced back to the waiting room to pass the news along to the rest of the family. More hugs and tears ensued, along with the continued disbelief of Landon's size. I asked them for a little more patience, that Landon was going to try and get his first meal, and that they could meet the little guy at 7:00pm, they agreed, I think more than anything, enthralled that everything and everyone came through okay.

I floated back to the delivery room to see my wife holding our son - definitely a vision I will never forget. They both looked so beautiful, and so perfectly content.

After he finished his first meal I finally got the chance to hold my son for the first time. Time literally stood still, and raced forward at the same time. I don't think I can do any justice to my feelings at this juncture. It was bizarrely wonderful, terrifying, and an overwhelming sense of relief all twisted together with hundreds of other emotions added for flavor. I sat there in a rocking chair, holding my son, scared to breathe too hard, hands shaking, realizing my life would never be the same.

Before I knew it the doors burst open, and our family poured into the delivery room amidst a chorus of sighs and another serving of tears. Cameras flashed and the throng of excitement pushed close around Landon. I think he got a little over stimulated. We let the family goggle for a short period of time, but quickly realized that this was too much too fast for the little tyke. I mean here he was experiencing the feeling of air on his skin for the first time, and all of a sudden he was swamped by new faces and sounds. We scooted the family out again, and had them return in smaller numbers. In the blink of an eye it was 8:00pm visiting hours were over, and Rhiannon, Landon and I were moved to the Mother/Baby wing of the hospital for further monitoring and recovery.

At the end of our time in the delivery room we received yet another new nurse, Marissa. She tried to explain to us that some babies were really reclusive and that they didn't like a lot of people or noise or light around. While this may in fact be true, it made Rhiannon feel like there was something wrong with or son. We were glad to see Marissa walk away as soon as she had wheeled us into our new room.

We settled into our new room, wherein all likelihood we would be staying for the next few days. We met Jeremi, our new nurse; she was a quiet, non conversational, middle aged woman, who seemed a little standoffish, but in hindsight she was probably just trying to give us a little time to ourselves - we had all had a long day and were exhausted. She quickly took us through the ins and outs of infant care, including diaper care and umbilical cord cleaning, and more importantly showed us the magic button we could push to make her appear out of thin air. She asked if we would like her to take Landon down to the nursery for a few hours, but we quickly agreed that we didn't want the little guy out of our sight. We watched him sleep for hours, tensing up at every little gurgle he made, amazed at every twitch. Eventually we fell asleep for the first time as parents.